Pan o Palo

A Note On Depression
July 15, 2010, 5:40 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

A lot of you know that I’m a very, very depressed person. And I’m getting help for it right now through meds, cognitive therapy, and movement. Short of full-blown institutionalization, I’m not sure what to do.

I cry most days. I miss my old life. I am very, very appreciative of my parents taking me in right now, but I don’t want to be here living with them. I debate internally almost every night whether or not I should call the suicide prevention line. I’m pretty close to broke. I don’t know if I’m going to get unemployment insurance. I have issues with my looks. What else do you want to know about me?

Eloise is keeping me going. Her smile, her babbling, her crawling, and even her poopy diapers. She’s the impetus for me getting better. Every time I’m tempted to do something bad to myself, I think of her and those eyes/cheeks/chubby little legs. She’s my champ. My baby. My inspiration.

And if anyone’s going to get me through all of this bullshit (besides me), it’s gonna be her. It’s not an overstatement to say that she’s what keeps me alive.

So, what’s the point of writing all of this? I don’t know. I guess it’s cathartic to ooze all of this crap out of my cranium. I’m also not ashamed to admit that I live with depression. And I think that some people can learn from what I’ve gone through. Or maybe help me with what I’m going through.

I’m not a bitter person, when it comes down to it. I suffer from a mental illness, is all. It’s not an easy thing to admit, but I believe that one can be a better person being open about their flaws. Stigmas and uncaring jackasses, be damned!

So read this, or not. I won’t be hurt. I just wanted to get some stuff off of my chest. And I hope that you have a litter better understanding of what ol’ Andy is going through.


2 Comments so far
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I’m sorry to hear of your ordeal, and wish you the best.

There is one piece of advice that I can offer that may be of assistance. Depressive thoughts spiral. Each turn of the arc, one does have a choice whether to continue the spiral or whether to shift toward better thoughts.

In your case, you have the best possible alternative: thinking about another human being who depends utterly on you. Without you, her chances are slim.

You are no less lovable than she. Take care of yourself with the same love you give to her. Make that your alternative thought.

A person can suffer from severe depression and yet remain functional and engaged with life–and even enjoy life– as long as s/he keeps loving. Poverty sucks. But tens of millions of people endure it every day. As a practical matter, a church community can help in keeping the faith that a better day will come.

Break the spiral. It is possible to believe and make it so.

Comment by Charles II

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Comment by Chauncey Combe

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