Pan o Palo

November 16, 2008, 4:59 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Some of you know my from my old nym, Zap Rowsdower.  Some of you also know what my wife and I have gone through this year with regards to trying to get pregnant.

We were pregnant, for a time.  Then, Em miscarried.  It was really hard, obviously…and we haven’t quite gotten over it.  It just tends to leave a sting that a euphamistic corn starch/water mixture can’t really heal.

Then, yesterday, we found out that two close friends/family members of ours are pregnant.  And it all came flooding back.

We’re highly sensative folk.  We tend to take things very, very personally.  And while we’re happy that those close to us are going to give birth in the next nine months, we’re equally saddened by the fact that it hasn’t happened to us.  Not so much saddened as heart-broken.  It really, really hurts.

I’ve got, nay…MUST believe that Em and I will have a kid.  It’s something that keeps me going.  It keeps me humble, honest, and sure.  It’s something that I feel is lacking in our life…in the sense that we owe more to humanity than taking care of just a dog and a cat.

When Em miscarried, I felt a lot of what I thought was “control” slip away.  I got the fact that tons of shit in live were out of my proverbial hands, and that labs and science and fate were rubbing their diabolical hands and twisting their evil moustashes at Em and I.  It.  Fucking.  Sucks.

When I see our pregnant friends, or random preggers out in the wild, I’m jealous.  It hurts….fuck, it hurts.  What’s worse is that it’s not something that we’re gonna get over…until we have conception.  That’s just where we are right now.

You know, we’re working on it.  We’re trying to get cool with what’s going on.  Doesn’t make it any easier, but we’re talking.  I’m not mad at anyone…I’m just “__________”.  Hopefully, things will turn around soon.


6 Comments so far
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As my wife and I were expanding our family with our fourth, close friends of ours became pregnant with their first. Patty had worked hard on Stan who was reluctant to have any children. Five months into the pregnancy, she lost the child. My wife and I and other mutual friends were very clear about the loss. We were just as clear that there was little that we could say that could help. We merely said that they were in our thoughts which was true. They did eventually have a son, who just started college this fall.

Good luck to you and your wife.

Comment by Shared Humanity

And you are in my thoughts.

Comment by Shared Humanity

Thanks, Shared. I appreciate the sentiment. Seriously.

Comment by Simplefolk

Simplefolk – Mrs. Blues and I struggled for years with infertility. The first time Mrs. B got pregnant, it was a tubal pregnancy = very dangerous. While she was in the hospital, the doctors discovered some abnormalities with her anatomy, due to be a DES daughter. From then on, we knew the only way we would have a child was with assisted reproductive technology (ART). And that was not foolproof, either, leading over the years to two more pregnancies that ended without baby. But we did manage to have one son, who we love to pieces and he is the joy of our life.

Over the course of dealing with this, we discovered a support group of other couples who were dealing with this as well. It helped a lot to share stories of frustration, hope, fear, anger, and all the rest. The group was initially facilitated by a therapist, but we grew over time to be friends outside of that setting, and are still friends today. One of our best nights (without the therapist in attendance) was the night we took a large box of old glasses and dishes, went in the back yard of one of the couples house, and took turns hurling them against a brick wall and talking about what disappointment, hurt, or pain we were breaking with the glass.

I don’t know what city you are in, but if you are in Denver I can give you some referrals.

Comment by Deacon Blues

Son and DiL went through that, too.

Happy to read tarot for you if you’d like.

You’d be an amazing dad.

Comment by Hecate Demetersdatter

Aw shoot. Wish I’d seen this before.
Hecate is right; you would – no, you will – be an amazing dad. 🙂

Comment by Ali

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