Pan o Palo

…on life, marriage, and alcohol
July 28, 2010, 11:20 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I started this blog some time ago to mostly rail against the politics that I thought were destroying this country/world, etc. Then I got a Twitter account. Then Eloise was born. Then life started to take me to some, uh, interesting places.

I’ve used this blog to detail my recent battles against depression and anxiety. It’s been cathartic; and I’ve appreciated the feedback. But now it’s time to come clean with the rest of the story.

I’m recently separated from my wife, and living in my parent’s spare bedroom. I sleep on an air mattress and rely on my Mom for food. I won’t go into gory detail about why my wife and I are apart, but I’ll say that it’s mostly my doing. I still get to see Eloise every few days, but not as much as I’d like to. It’s hard being a parent when you’re not doing much parenting. I miss my house, I miss the life I had with my wife, and I miss being a somewhat-independent adult.

Another component of my recent ills: my addiction to alcohol. It helped drive a wedge between me and my wife that I’m not sure will ever be mended. After my most recent stay at a crisis facility, I decided it was time to have a Rule 25 Assessment done.

The results weren’t too surprising. I’m a highly-functioning alcoholic that needs treatment. And that’s what I’m doing. I start three months of outpatient treatment this Monday. It’s obviously not an easy pill to swallow, admitting that you’re addicted to anything. But it will, literally, save my life.

I don’t know if this will get me my wife and baby back. I don’t know if the “higher power” thing will rankle me so much that I want out. But I need to do this, in conjunction with the other treatments that I’m going through (therapy, drugs, etc.). I will also be submitting random UAs, so another incentive for me to stay clean.

I am absolutely grateful to have parents that have taken me in during this time. I’m also grateful to have a loving wife that, while we’re not exactly together right now, is supporting me 100%. And I’m absolutely grateful to have the unconditional love of a beautiful (almost) 9 month old daughter that’s keeping me alive. She’ll never have any idea how much she’s helped me.

And now you know a little more about me.


A Note On Depression
July 15, 2010, 5:40 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

A lot of you know that I’m a very, very depressed person. And I’m getting help for it right now through meds, cognitive therapy, and movement. Short of full-blown institutionalization, I’m not sure what to do.

I cry most days. I miss my old life. I am very, very appreciative of my parents taking me in right now, but I don’t want to be here living with them. I debate internally almost every night whether or not I should call the suicide prevention line. I’m pretty close to broke. I don’t know if I’m going to get unemployment insurance. I have issues with my looks. What else do you want to know about me?

Eloise is keeping me going. Her smile, her babbling, her crawling, and even her poopy diapers. She’s the impetus for me getting better. Every time I’m tempted to do something bad to myself, I think of her and those eyes/cheeks/chubby little legs. She’s my champ. My baby. My inspiration.

And if anyone’s going to get me through all of this bullshit (besides me), it’s gonna be her. It’s not an overstatement to say that she’s what keeps me alive.

So, what’s the point of writing all of this? I don’t know. I guess it’s cathartic to ooze all of this crap out of my cranium. I’m also not ashamed to admit that I live with depression. And I think that some people can learn from what I’ve gone through. Or maybe help me with what I’m going through.

I’m not a bitter person, when it comes down to it. I suffer from a mental illness, is all. It’s not an easy thing to admit, but I believe that one can be a better person being open about their flaws. Stigmas and uncaring jackasses, be damned!

So read this, or not. I won’t be hurt. I just wanted to get some stuff off of my chest. And I hope that you have a litter better understanding of what ol’ Andy is going through.

Get Thee To A Party
July 3, 2010, 4:25 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Alright, look: I know most people are broke. I get it…so am I. This is why I’m only going to do this once, and I’ll leave you all alone.

It’s gonna sound petty, but most of you know about my personal situation. Part of this is trying to get out, do things, and be with people I like. Just so happens, a bunch of those people happen to be gathering in New York City at the end of the month. I’d really love to see them, and it would certainly be beneficial to my mental state.

So I’m gonna put up a damn PayPal button. Donate? Great! Don’t? Great! Just throwing it out there.


May 19, 2010, 2:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Well, I came home from the hospital today. Obviously I’m not cured, but I’ve gotten another springboard to leap from.

I would like to sincerely thank you for your kind thoughts and comments. I realize that I may be departing a bit too much information about my personal life, but I don’t go about the internet as a character or alter-ego (anymore). And, as always, you are free to ignore me if this makes you feel uncomfortable or what-not.

Yes, I’m dealing with severe depression. Yes, I had ideations of suicide. Yes, I’m not close to being fully recovered. Yes, I needed to be in the hospital’s psych ward the past three days. What ever it is that’s making me depressed, I’m working on fixing (or at least abating).

I just ask one thing of you: patience. Patience that I will make the correct decisions; seek out the appropriate treatments; express healthy concerns. And if I use this blog as one platform to do that, so be it. Also, please remember that mental illness takes on many, many forms and manifestations. I’m trying not to be fearful to call out that stigma, and I hope that you are all intelligent enough to do the same.

Just keep in mind that I’m trying, and will continue to do so. You’re more than welcome to comment or advise. Just keep it clean for the kids. ; )


More Than You Want To Know About Me
April 9, 2010, 7:34 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Millions of people are dealing with various forms of depression all the time.  Mine seems to severely ebb and flow.  I don’t know if that’s bi-polar, but it’s certainly something that I need to keep tabs on.

At this point, I’m only being treated for anxiety.  At some other point, I will need to be treated for this haze of depressed thoughts.  I am trying to figure out what the best approach for me is right now.  I’m not keen on either the cognitive or the medicated approach, but I don’t close the door on those approaches, either.

So bare with me, and feel free to ignore what I’m yakking about.

Five Months
April 9, 2010, 3:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Happy birthday, bright eyes.  xxoo  –Dad

…where I continue to turn this into a baby blog
April 3, 2010, 6:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yeah, yeah…I’m a hard-ass politics junkie.  I’ve got opinions, and stuff.  That, in the blog-o-collective make me someone, right?  I’ve also got the best baby in the world.  And I don’t mind showing her off, apparently.

Here are some pics from a recent trip to Duluth, MN:

Of course, you can always follow my Twitter feed if you crave something deep from me.  Peace.